Last updated on 18 January 1998.
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1997 Year In Review hits since 18 January 1998:
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Welcome to the 1997 Scoats Year in Review. As always, this is 100% organic Scoats, except where noted. As a bonus, this year's version contains not one, but two, tips for getting away with murder.
January
Carnivorous Cabbage Patch Dolls were recalled after they mauled several children. They were supposed to eat carrots and french fries, but they wanted MEAT! If only the manufacturer included chicken nuggets, this tragedy may have been avoided.. Once one of TV's best shows, Rosanne limped to a pathetic and unfunny demise. Who would have thought that when Tom Arnold left, quality would go down instead of up... Newt Gingrich was fined $300K for ethics violations. He should have used a different defense, arguing that since he is devoid of ethics, he could not violate them....The new cars for the Market Frankford El started to arrive. They were over a year late. It is hoped that once fully on line they will be running a little more punctual... Scientists warned that if Merv Griffin continued to expand at his current rate, he will take over every available square inch of land in North America by the year 2010.
February
Lots of new hotels were announced for Center City Philadelphia. Hopefully many fine old office buildings will find a new use. Let's hope the hotel in the old PSF tower maintains the creative Art Deco colors in the corridors...John Dupont sat in a wheelchair during his murder trial. Due, they were pleading insanity not invalidism. He was found guilty away... After a gun wielding maniac went on a rampage on the observation deck at the Empire State Building, they added metal detectors on the observation deck. Good thinking, confine the rampages to the lobby, I feel so much safer.. The Internet's first Random Bar Joke Generator made its appearance at The Grey Lodge Pub Web Site (http://www.greylodge.com/barjokes.htm)... After 6 quarters of declining sales, McDonald's decided to the drop the price of the Big Mac to 55¢. Lessee, five years ago a Big Mac, fries and soda was about $5.50; in 1996 it was $3; now it's $2.50. The MBAs at McD's somehow missed the correlation between decreased prices and decreased receipts and decreased profits. Pretty soon they will be paying you to eat there. Franchisees responded by increasing prices for fries and beverages... Scientists in Scotland successfully cloned a sheep. I expect cloning will be a dead end, not because of moral dilemmas but due to a lack of true practical value. History shows the value of genetic diversity.
March
Michael Jackson was thwarted in his attempt to pick up $2mil for photos of his child by a houseguest with a concealed camera. Don't worry Michael still has opportunities to exploit any children or future children. He could have four more and create The New Jackon Five. Instead of using the proposed name Michael Jackson Jr, he opted for the truly frightening Prince Michael... Exterior SEPTA bus ads for Disney's Jungle 2 Jungle (the number 2, get it? And it's not even a sequel! With a title that clever you know it's gonna be good) featured a naked Tim Allen covered only by a very long snake. No joke here, I'm just astonished on too many levels. Disney must of had second thoughts since I only saw that ad once... Those who thought it would take balls to organize a mass suicide were proven wrong. Nike shoes, the choice of Michael Jordon and suicide cults. Just do it... Lawyer Jack McMahon somehow thought that defending accused Center City Jogger murder Richard Wise by alleging police brutality would be a good springboard for his candidacy for DA. "Make me DA. I'll put away all the people I got off when I was a defense lawyer". Tip #1 For Getting Away with Murder: murder your victim in an old car and abandon it in North Philly. If the cops pick you up, tell them the murder occurred in a different car. Cops futilely search for DNA in the wrong car. While waiting for DNA results, the abandoned car eventually gets torched. Later recant the confession, accuse brutality, and say "the DNA doesn't match!".
April
On April Fools Day, several newspaper cartoonists switched strips resulting in The Family Circus actually being funny. Bil Keane brought his usual level of idiocy to Dilbert... After Wise and Haak's acquittal, a prison nurse told police she heard Wise admit to his lawyer that he hit the victim and dragged her into the car but that Haak was the only one who raped her... Haak and Wise were on trial again. This time for the robbery of a leather coat from man a few blocks from the jogger murder. Haak repeatedly beat the man with a can of dolphin-but-not-human-safe tuna. Criminal masterminds at work...TV Talk Show Host Jenny Jones was tried at Nurinburg for crimes against humanity (oh wait, that was in my dream world)... Against the wishes of murderer/cannibal Gary Heidnick, people worked to prevent his execution. Gary's reasoning for wanting to die is that once people see "an innocent man die, they will end capital punishment forever". For those who don't remember Gary, he abducted several retarded women, held them prisoner in his basement dungeon, tortured them, killed and dismembered a few and then served the remains as prison food... You could hear Joe Kennedy Sr. screaming all the way from hell. Michael Kennedy, Frank Gifford's son-in-law, got in trouble for having a long term affair with his teenaged babysitter. Kathy Lee Gifford helped out by babysitting the kids. The apparent logic: even a Kennedy wouldn't want to sleep with her so she'd be safe to babysit. MA Rep Jospeh P. Kennedy was a subject of a vicious book by his ex-wife for getting their marriage annulled despite her objections. The reason for the annulment was Kennedy being found at age 24 have been incompetent to enter marriage. When voters started questioning his competency to be a governor, he left the race. Teddy Kennedy - the rule not the exception.
May
After several years of hoping to come up with a replacement long term plan, I finally have one. I want to live near the ocean and have enough money that I won't have to deal with morons all that much. Much, much more selfish than the previous plan, but at least it's a plan... The national media once again turned to the Philadelphia area for a sensational murder, this time it was criminal mastermind and patron of the arts (especially dance) Craig Rabinowitz... Yet another plan was announced for Penn's Landing. This one should actually happen since the developer has money... Frank Gifford, who probably spent too much time with the Kennedys, had a tryst with a stewardess.
June
NBC aired a Cheers Reunion TV Movie. The Cheers crowd, after having spread out to the far corners of the world, reunited for a funeral after Norm died from liver failure.... The Mike Tyson/Evander Holyfield fight was dedicated to Betty Shabazz and all victims of crime and violence. What better way to remember the victims of violence than with Pay Per View violence. Viewers could participate two ways, by scoring the rounds via a Web site, and/or by beating their spouses between rounds... In one of the funniest Family Circuses ever (not much competition), the dead Grandfather looks down at the family (in full antics) from a cloud and says "I'm glad I'm dead". It turned out to be the work of another guest artist... Philadelphia murderer Ira Einhorn was arrested in France after eluding police for a dozen years. Ira was another criminal mastermind. After killing his girlfriend, he placed her body in a trunk. The trunk was too big to fit in his car, so he put it back in his apartment and ignored it. Duhh, guess where the cops found the body?... PECO screwed The Grey Lodge, I told them I'd remember that when electric deregulation happens.
July
Hong Kong was returned to China by the UK... Philadelphia wage tax decreased again. $15 a year! Woowee!.. The media became fixated on Andrew Cunanan... in acknowledgment of total management ineptitude, Woolworth announced the closing of all their namesake stores... I found out what kind of on-line friends I have, not a single one e-mailed me the Kurt Vonnegut graduation address that turned out to be a hoax... Joe Camel died. Lung Cancer?
August
The world's oldest woman, and last living person to have actually met Vincent Van Gogh, finally kicked after 122 years... The former Wanamakers at 13th and Market re-opened as Lord and Taylor. OK I guess, but not Wanamakers... a cop-out budget reduction bill was signed. Thank goodness the rich finally got their capital gains tax cuts. It must warm Newt & Co. to know that us grunts who actually work for a living will pay a higher percentage of income tax than people who play golf all day... my new zine, Living in the Toilet (www.greylodge.com/scoats/litt) debuted, join the e-mail list by sending an e-mail to subscribe-litt@greylodge.com... just as I was enjoying the outlaw vibe I had going, I found out that I wasn't an Internet terrorist after all, but a victim of an e-mail hoax involving Samsung America Corp and thousands of people like me... Big Brother or the Cheshire Cat? A human sized Steve Jobs with a huge televised smiling Bill Gates looming over him announced that Apple Computers would be teaming up with archnemesis Microsoft...Princess Di did... Samsung later decided that it wasn't a hoax and that they are just assholes.
September
Publicity starved has-been Liz Taylor, sporting 300 pounds and spikey blonde hair (a good look for a pro wrestler - she hasn't made a movie in eons, could be a good career move for her), put down a donut long enough to curse the paparazzi and to weep over the death of "the world's princess"... drummer Bill Berry decided to leave REM, the others will continue without him... Section 8, a federal entitlement program that benefits both the rich and the poor, justifiably came under heavy scorn from working class folks who have to live with it. Rich landlords get federally funded way above market rents for units they don't have to live near. They don't have to rent to good tenants because the government pays to repair any damages. They get guaranteed highly inflated taxpayer supported rents and can't lose. The neighborhoods get screwed. This is another example of federal money being used to destroy cities. Good folks who this program was partially designed to help (and let's be honest it was also designed to help the rich get richer) are unfairly guilty by association.
October
As Craigy Rabinowitz's trail approached, his defense team stated they would not argue insanity, but sanity. Their reasoning: Craig was too smart and too sane to have committed such a poorly executed murder (this is not a joke). The day before the trial, Craigy finally did the right thing and plead guilty...shortly after Tibet hit the media spotlight with the release of Seven Years in Tibet, Chinese president Jiang Zemin toured the US, where he was greeted by protestors for various causes at every stop. In a decision that shouldn't have surprised me but did, the US government opted not to honor the Chinese government's request to restrict the protestors' civil rights of free speech and assembly. Jiang compared the invasion of Tibet to the emancipation of slavery in the US. This would be a fitting analogy if the US killed 25% of the slaves in the process of freeing them... Random bits of crap I saw while programming my VCR: (1) Donald Trump, not wanting to be left out of the self-publicizing bonzana following Princess Die's death, regretted that he never asked her out. He thought he had a chance; I guess he's right, she did have a thing for ugly rich guys. (2) Jenny "I'm just a dumb broad who has no involvement with my show whatsoever, so don't hold me responsible for anything." Jones tearfully admitted to Jane Pauly that she was an abused child who came from a dysfunctional family, thus giving her a connection to all the idiots who appear on her show. I'm disappointed Pauly was involved in that crap... instead of selling the merits of their plan and ignoring the dearth of Izuzu's on the road, PECO decided to bring Joe Izuzu back from obscurity to sling mud for them.
November
Rich lawyer Thomas Carbano was arrested for the murder of Anne Marie Fahey. To prevent another OJ fiasco, the law proceeded very carefully before they arrested him. Carbano was very intelligent about disposing of physical evidence and could get off... I wrote a screenplay for Liz Taylor and Marlon Brando called "I Love You Almost As Much as a Veal Chop". It's a love story; two senior citizens meet on a cruise ship, eat, fall in love, eat, and eat some more. In the dramatic, action-packed ending, they get stranded on an tiny island with starving cannibals who can't believe their good fortune. Will they escape with their lives, bodies and luggage intact? No takers yet... the inevitable happened, Corestates, Philadelphia's last major bank agreed to merge with First Union. First Union's promises of a partial head quarters role for Philadelphia turned out to be lies... seven babies, yada yada yada... after nationally televised embarrassment, the city and the Eagles decided to finally reduce the mayhem in the stands. English football and American football are more alike than I realized.
December
Ira Einhorn was smiling when a French judge denied the US's request for extradition. Tip #2 For Getting Away with Murder: Kill someone, be amazing sloppy in the disposal of evidence, skip bail, flee to France, get convicted in absentia, stay in France as a free man or woman... PECO's "Pennsylvania Plan" was rejected by the Utilitiy Commission.
As always, here are some things to anticipate and/or dread in 1998: With the opening of a Hard Rock Cafe in Philadelphia. Planet Hollywood and the herd of other high concept restaurants are expected to follow. Arnold Schwartzenegger makes $20 million per movie and he has to charge $10 for a cheeseburger?..work will begin on the Independence Hall area, Knowlton and the Meridian building demolition. None of which will be finished in 98... Scoats's Artsy Fartsy Movie Night - Year II... which of my fringe interests will go mainstream next?.. The Grey Lodge Pub's second annual Stout Season... free french fries at Burger King on January 2nd... I get to participate in the pilot program for electricity deregulation. While I always try to support local businesses, I will enjoy not paying PECO.
(c) Scoats 1997. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. Published by Scoats E-mail: scoats@greylodge.com USPS: 6235 Frankford Avenue, Philadelphia, PA 19135-3404 USA. "If you find yourself getting too upset at this world, remember that hopelessness carries with it great freedom."
1. Source: Alan Speert.
2. The graphic is clip art, but I picked it out myself.
Last updated on 18 January 1998.
This page administered by Scoats.